You're Invading My Space!

This is hella cool. It both freaked me the hell out and made me miss my Grandma at the same time. Turns out, my Grandmother was actually a Space Invader. You'd never know it looking at her, but she was. Fortunately, when she came down from the stars, she was distracted by bowling, whiskey sours, sun bathing, and giving the best hugs ever, so she never got around to conquering our planet**. Take a look and be mesmerized.




**This is a total lie. It reminded me of my Grandma because she had an old Atari at her house, and whenever we used to go visit, my brother, sister, and I would get to play for a little while. It was pretty awesome.

RIP Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — `God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”‘

–by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., from God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater,

Vonnegut is easily one of my favorite writers, and Cat's Cradle may be my favorite book ever PLUS he made a cameo in Rodney Dangerfield's Back to School. Nothing funny to add to this one, I'm just sad to see him go. Luckily, he's written so many books, I still have a ton I haven't read yet. I wasn't so lucky with one of my other favorite writers, Douglas Adams.

A Pattern Seems to Be Developing

As many of you have probably started to notice, the general public is just now starting to realize the sheer awesomeness that is the world of the Ninja, something that was almost completely derailed by one of the worst movies I have ever seen, "Beverly Hills Ninja." (Please don't be mad at me ghost of Chris Farley, I love you, but in retrospect, it's abundantly clear that, by then, you were taking on whatever stupid movie role was offered to you to fuel your insatiable appetite for drugs. A kung-fu movie might not have been a bad choice, but this kung-fu movie most certainly movie was.)

"Coked-out Ninja-CHOP!"

There have been a variety of sources promoting Ninja coolness, or Ninjawareness as I like to call it . Two of the best are the websites Real Ultimate Power and Ask a Ninja, absolute joys for the Ninja-curious. But it may be time for a new top-dog. It now appears that everyone's favorite psycho office worker, Rainn Wilson, AKA Dwight K. Schrute is making his presence felt in the ninja world.

"KI-YAAA!"

This article on CNN.com features an interview with Wilson where he discusses his career and the opportunities that have been opened up to him with the success of "The Office." The most notable portion of the interview features him talking about his future plans, among them an upcoming film called "Bonzai Shadowhands." Here's what he says about it.

I'm writing [it]. It's about a down-and-out alcoholic ninja, a once-great ninja trying to put his life back together. I'm doing that with Jason Reitman who directed "Thank You for Smoking."

Ummm...am I the only person who thinks this is the greatest idea EVER?!?! Dwight...as an alcoholic Ninja?!?! Please god, let this happen soon. This could end up being the most awesome move of all time, righting the cosmic Ninja-karma, after the above mentioned cinema disaster.

Speaking of Awesome...

This has nothing to do with anything written above.

It's just the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Why Ryan Demptser Will Be The No. 1 Pick in My Fantasy Draft

For those of you unfamiliar with fantasy sports, fantasy baseball in particular, there are different strategies in terms of crafting your team for the season. Some people like to make sure they stock their team with powerful hitters, which is why guys like Albert Pujols and Alex Rodriguez go early in drafts. Others prefer players that offer you speed on the base paths, hence early selections of players like Jose Reyes, or Alfonso Soriano. Still others like to get the best player in a weak position, making Chase Utley or Joe Mauer popular picks, and there are people that believe an Ace pitcher is the most valuable, making Johan Santana the player to pick first. Up until today, my philosophy has been a sort of combination of all the options above...but that all changes now. My fantasy draft is on Monday March 26th, and my first pick is going to be Ryan Dempster, the closer for the Chicago Cubs. Why would I choose to use my first pick on a player most fantasy sites don't even rank within the top 200? Because I just read this article. It's as simple as a kick to the head. How do you become the most valuable baseball player in the world? Become a baseball Ninja.

Think about it...Who WOULDN'T want to build their team around a guy training to become a Ninja? At worst, he'll be valuable in a bench-clearing brawl, with the nerve pinches, and throwing stars, and whatnot. At best though, he could become the most deadly (pun intended) pitcher in baseball. He could very well end up saving/winning 162 games. Sure...a curveball is hard to hit, but what if, instead of a curveball, you get a shuriken thrown at you on a 1-2 count? Chances are you'll gladly take the strikeout if it means you can return to the dugout alive. Maybe the umpire isn't giving him the outside corner, and he's about to walk a batter. A quick nunchuck to the ump's head, and he'll start getting those strike calls. Base runner leading off of first, threatening to steal? Like he wouldn't be able to use his ninja stealth to pick him off...please.

The only reason I hesitate predicting a Cy Young award for Dempster is the fact that his sensei is from Vancouver, a town not exactly known to be crawling with Ninjas, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I haven't heard anything about Chris Carpenter practicing his skills with a katana.

With that in mind, I'm predicting a great year for the Cubs. The Central Division could very well be theirs for the taking (though it is the Cubs so you never know). The Cardinals' only chance of competing might be signing Chuck Norris to play Center Field.

Chuck Norris = MVP
Most Violent Player

Riley...You're the Worst Character Ever

"RILEY!"

In honor of the new season of South Park (the first episode was so bad...in such a good way), here's a link to this cool German website I found that lets you create your own South Park character. Knowing South Park's history with German websites, I was pretty lucky it didn't involve any scheiße videos.

Anyway...I, of course, tried to create myself. I think the resemblance is uncanny.

Man I'm good looking.

***UPDATE***
Decided to create my lovely bride as a South Park character too. She's a lot better looking than I am, and so is her South Park equivalent.

"I'm a princess."

The Mantle Has Been Passed

One last post on this, and we'll move on.
A worthy successor has been chosen.

Never Say Goodbye Cap...

Sorry if I'm harping on this folks, but it's a big deal to me.

Stephen Colbert had something to say about it to.




Colbert rules.

Riley Household in Mourning

Captain America is dead...at least that's what CNN.com is reporting here. Most of you will probably realize what a blow this is to me. Now, I haven't actually read the story yet, since I get my comic books on Fridays, but seeing as CNN is reporting on it, as well as the NY Daily News, I'm guessing this isn't a hoax. I'm feeling cold right now...so very cold.

God speed Cap.

Yes, Captain America is punching Hitler.
That's how Bad-Ass he was.

PS - Baby Riley has been renamed yet again. From this point forward, he/she will be know as "Little Cap," in memory of the fallen soldier. Also, all images will be doctored to include an "A" on the forehead, just like Captain America wore, until the baby is born and an "A" can be properly applied by a tattoo needle.

We went with the lowercase "A" since it looks cuter on a baby.

Boris and Natasha Killed in a Fiery Helicopter Crash

"I don't need no stinking squirrel to start some static."

Check out this story from CNN.com about a wild moose taking down the helicopter of some wildlife officials in Alaska. Pretty crazy stuff. I've done some backpacking in the past, and I remember our guide telling us that wild animals shouldn't be approached, but you'd think you'd be safe in a helicopter. I mean we were always careful not to attract bears, but Bullwinkle? Come on...who of you out there thought a moose had that type of game. Not I good citizens, not I. Well I for one, am willing to admit it when I make a mistake. I'm reworking my "World's Most Dangerous Animals" list. It's a completely arbitrary ranking system, devised entirely by me. I'll try to give a brief explanation for each of the Top-Five on the list.




1. Shark
Specifically the Great White. Sure, they haven't taken down any aircraft, YET, but look at this freaking thing. And "Jaws" is one of the coolest movies ever. Plus, these are my rankings so screw you. Sharks are No. 1.











2. Moose
As mentioned above, they have the ability to take down a helicopter, which means they own both the land and the air. If they learn how to sink a boat, we may have a new contender for the No. 1 spot, though their lack of ominous rows of jagged teeth do leave something to be desired.







3. Man
Makes you think, doesn't it?











4. The Monkeys at those Drive-Thru Safaris
Have you ever seen them go at a car at one of those things? They'll rip it to shreds. LOOK OUT!!!






5. Huh? We're still doing this? Ok...um Pandas I guess
I don't know. I stopped paying attention a while ago. What was the point of all of this again?

I, For One, Welcome Our Robot Overlords

If this is how Skynet's takeover of Earth begins, I gladly surrender.
Bring on the Terminators!

"Come with me if you want to drink."

Back in Black ( & White)

To the very few of you who actually take the time to read this thing, I'm back. I haven't posted in a couple of weeks due a perfect storm type situation in the real world. Work went nuts, my sis had some pretty serious medical issues, and we learned of a potential problem with Baby Riley, who, for reasons soon to be revealed, has shed the "Seven" nickname, and will, from this point forward, be referred to as Skeletor.

Well the storm has passed, things went (and continue to go) well for my sister, and the potential problems for Skeletor proved unfounded. The Mrs. and I have been able to take a much needed deep breath, and a return to as close to normal as we'll ever get.

I'll try to get back on my normal posting schedule. I know your lives have been empty without my witty commentary, but in the meantime, amuse yourselves by taking a look at my kid. (Now do you get the Skeletor reference?)

"Curse you He-Man!!!"

That Brightly Dressed Man Has Ruined the Sanctity of the Super Bowl

"Oh crap...one of my high heels is caught in the turf."

Morality watchdogs have found another target for their outrage in the Super Bowl halftime show performed last weekend by Prince. Apparently, more than a few people have taken umbrage with Prince's silhouetted guitar solo during "Purple Rain," saying that his shadowed instrument (hee hee) is a blatant phallic symbol.

My response..."Yeah...and?"

"No, no Doc, the Cialis is working just fine,
I just have a question about this growth underneath my penis."

Listen, it's entirely possible that the whole thing was unintentional and this was just another case of something looking sexual when it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, we're dealing with Prince here. I'm guessing he probably knew what he was doing. And if he did do this on purpose, should we be surprised?

This just in...Prince does something sexually provocative.
In other news, the sky is blue.

Prince is a phenomenal musician. Sure he's a little weird, but if you're looking for some high energy music to keep a crowd interested during halftime, he's a pretty good choice. But the guy just oozes sex. He performed five songs during the halftime show, and three of them were covers. Why? Because all of his songs are about fucking!! You know what you're getting into when you hire Prince. Fun, sexy music, and a 50-50 chance of seeing simulated sex acts on stage. If that's not what you're into, then don't hire Prince. A "shadow penis" is so low on the scale of things The Artist could have pulled out (hee hee) that CBS, the NFL, and every morally righteous whack-a-doo out there should thank their lucky stars.

NASA: Sending Crazy People into Space Since 1958

"Houston, we have a psycho."

I've been racking my brain all day for an appropriate way to present this story and can't come up with one. For some reason I can't wrap my head around it. It's not that someone smart and dedicated enough to become an astronaut and actually fly in space was so messed up by "love" that they would try to kill someone over it, and it's not that this is the second time since the new year that someone has gone to "extreme" lengths to eliminate the competition in a love triangle (check out the other instance here). I think the thing about this story that bothers me the most is that this woman was so focused on killing her rival, that she resorted to wearing diapers during her 900+ mile car ride between Houston and Orlando to limit the number of stops she'd have to make on the way. I don't know if I should be horrified or impressed. I've never been that determined about anything.

Depends
The adult undergarment of choice
for 9 out of 10 crazy astronauts.

There's not much more that I can add to that, so instead I'll just leave you with my favorite movie quote about astronauts, those brave men and women who traverse the starry skies, boldly going where no man has gone before:

"Your mother was an astronaut"
"My mother was too drunk to be an astronaut."

A Note to God RE: The Oscars

Thou shall not make for yourself an idol.

Dear God,

I don't ask you for much...not really anyway. And I try to be as good a person as I can, so please, please, please, won't you grant me this one wish. When the Academy Awards show rolls around later this month, and they announce the winner of Best Supporting Actor, could you please find it in your heart to make sure that Mark Wahlberg wins, and when he does win, could you please make sure they play this video and song during his walk to the podium.



Thanks God. I know this isn't a really important wish, with war, and disease, and famine going on out there, and I know you're a big fan of Little Miss Sunshine and Alan Arkin, but I promise, if you make this wish come true, I will devote the rest of my time here on earth to living life to the funkiest.

Amen

Happy Groundhog Day

Punxsutawney Phil, and his lesser known, albeit smellier compadre, Staten Island Chuck, both failed to see their shadows today, which means, I guess, an early Spring.

I'm going to look on the bright side of things today, ignore the brief winter we're having as being the undeniable sign that our world is slowly swirling into a global warming nightmare that will eventually lead to massive floods and the seas boiling, and instead focus on the fact that I might be able to go see a baseball game in April without needing to wear a parka and mittens.

Hooray Global Warming!!! Hooray Groundhogs!!!

Return of the briPod

I listen to music...aren't I cool?

Because I know that your wouldn't be complete without finding out what I listened to on my iPod this morning while commuting to work, here are the five songs that kept the insides of my ears warm while the rest of me was freezing.

Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head
by They Might Be Giants
Pretty much every TMBG song I've ever heard makes me feel smart and stupid at the same time. This one is no different.

Level
by The Raconteurs
I've been trying to resist the Jack White cult for as long as I could, but I was persuaded into buying Broken Boy Soldiers by their first single Steady as She Goes. I actually like this song even better. It's a good album all around, but there's still something about Jack White that irks me. I think it's his hair. It seems unnaturally straight and way too black.

Satan Is My Motor
by Cake
Satan may be your motor, but Jesus is my homeboy, and Buddha is my airbag.
Side note: I like cake...both the band and the dessert item, especially the yellow type.

Stand Up
by Jet
My favorite song ever used in a commercial for the Discovery Channel.

'Zat You Santa Claus?
by Louis Armstrong
Umm...I forgot to take my Christmas music off my iPod. At least my tree is down.

Whenever I find myself feeling down...

A couple of years ago, I was flipping through my local newspaper, and I found this piece by advice columnist Ann Landers. The plight of the man who wrote in, and the advice she offered to him moved me so much that I decided to cut the column out and carry it around in my wallet, pulling it out whenever I found myself feeling down. A quick read always seems to make me feel better. It never fails. Having access to a scanner, I decided to post the column here, to try and spread the joy. Here it is. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

(Click Image to View Larger Version)

Meet the New Star of My Nightmares

This story broke a couple of days ago, but I haven't had the time to actually view the video until now. This rare species of shark, called a frilled shark, is rarely caught on film while alive since it's normal habitat is usually around 2000 ft. below this surface. This particular specimen was caught in about 5 feet of water. As a result, I am now officially terrified of going swimming. This fish is absolutely hideous. I'm pretty sure it's going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.




***UPDATE***
Apparently YouTube was forced to take the video I have posted above down, so clicking on it won't let you see anything. There's another video of the shark posted here, this time with Japanese commentary.

For those of you so enamored with my blog that you're afraid to navigate away, I've posted this picture:

"Boo!"

If man were meant to jump out of an airplane...

god would have pushed him.

"I immediately regret this decision!"

Now, I'm no expert in skydiving, never having jumped out of an airplane myself, but I have always thought that the sport was a pretty stupid way to get a rush, especially when much safer alternatives exist. You know, like smoking crack. I never really saw the attraction to trusting you life to a piece of fabric with some rope attached to it. Well apparently, skydiving mishaps are pretty rare, especially amongst experienced jumpers, but there's always room for an "accident".

This story, out of England, involves a love triangle, a sabotaged parachute, and a woman plunging 12,000 ft. to her death. Apparently, three skydivers, one male, two female, made a jump together about two months ago. The male, named Marcel, was romantically involved with female #1 (named Els) but was seeing female #2 (also named Els...I guess that helps avoid awkward boudoir situations) behind female #1's back. Having found out the situation, Els #1 didn't let on, but instead tampered with Els #2's parachute before their jump, causing it to fail, sending it Els #2 to her death. A two-month investigation followed, and Els #1 was arrested last week. In addition to this, the suspected Els (not the dead one) had been previously arrested for trying to run over a boyfriend she suspected of cheating. She wasn't charged.

"I won't be ignored!
Hey...wanna go jump out of a plane?"

This is clearly a unique situation. One involving a person with both anger issues and mental problems (and poor taste in men, apparently). But it opens up a can of worms. Why even put yourself in a high-risk situation like that? Now I'm no adulterer (you hear that sweetie?), but I have been known, on occasion, to piss off a person or two. Hopefully not enough to inspire murder, but one never knows. You can never be too careful. And that's why I'm going to continue to avoid skydiving. You never know when you might be jumping with an enemy. A car speeding at me, I might have a chance to dodge, but you have no where to go when it's the earth that's speeding at you.

Does this freak anyone else out as much as it does me?

Is your baby a her or he?
Now YOU can decide.

When my wife and I were first trying to get pregnant, we did a lot of reading on the subject. We checked out a few books and magazine and looked at a bunch of websites (and there are plenty). During our "research" we came across a couple of different theories regarding baby gender. There are supposed to be a variety of things you can do to help your odds at conceiving one gender baby over another: certain foods or drinks to consume, the date and time you try to conceive, temperature changes; you name it. In the beginning we toyed with the idea of trying some of them out, but in the end, we realized it was kind of silly and we'd just roll the dice and see what fate gave us. Well my wife got pregnant, and while we don't know whether we're having a boy or a girl (and we've decided we want to be surprised), the bottom line is that we're pretty psyched about becoming parents and we can't wait until he or she gets here.

"I case you missed the earlier post with my picture,
here I am just chillin' in the womb.
Don't I look like a genius?"

So fast forward to today: I was surfing one of my favorite Yankee blogs (Peter Abraham's blog), hoping for any sort of nugget of information in this slow season for baseball news, when an ad banner on the side of the web page caught my eye. It mentioned something about baby genders, and being a father-to-be, I decided to give it a click. The link brought me to a web page for The Silverman Center for Gender Selection. The site is for a medical center in Westchester, NY that will pretty much allow you to choose the gender of your baby. They have a process that will allow you to select only specific sperm cells to fertilize an egg, with the end result being the baby gender of your choosing. Is anyone else weirded out by that? I may be making a bit of a leap here, but how long until we start deciding hair and eye color? Or athletic ability or smarts? Hell...people love celebrity baby names, how long before people try celebrity baby genes? Doesn't there have to be a line somewhere?

"Don't you wish your baby was hot like me?"

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not an anti-science guy...far from it. I'm all for taking every advantage that science has to offer to make sure that your offspring are born into this world with the greatest chance to live a long and happy life. If there is someway to genetically detect and correct potential problems in your unborn child. I'm all for it. Why shouldn't we use our knowledge to our advantage. But there's something about using it to make sure your baby is a specific gender that gives me a creepy feeling, you know? I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, and I might not be for a while. After the trouble we had when we first tried to get pregnant, having a healthy baby of any sex seems like a big enough deal to me. Who knows though, maybe I'd change my mind if I was the father of four boys.

Anyway, it kinda feels like we're beginning to hurtle towards a weird science fiction future where big brother is always watching, and people are genetically altering their DNA to breed super babies and it's starting to freak me out a little, though I'm all for jet-packs and hover-cars. I can't wait for hover-cars.

"Fear my genetically bred Atomic Super-Men!"