Killed Him a Bear When He was Only...Five

"Oh...you killed a bear when you were five? Oh that's nice...no really, you should be proud of yourself.
I mean, I did it at three, but five is good too. Great job sport."

This story broke a couple of days ago. For those of you too lazy to click the link, the short version is that a five year old recently shot and killed a 445-pound bear while hunting with his grandfather. What makes this story a stand-out though, is that the kid is the great x 10 grandson, of Davy Crockett. You know, the "King of the Wild Frontier" Davy Crockett who "killed him a bear when he was only three." When I first saw this story, I thought it was pretty cool, because I was focused on the Davy Crockett part. Who doesn't remember that song. I certainly do...I even had my own coon-skin cap. I knew he was real person, but he almost took on a mythical status. Being related to him would almost be like being related to Paul Bunyan or something. So I thought that he's got a whole line of relatives out there was kind of cool.

But then I started to think about this story a little bit, and the absurdity of it smacked me in the head. It was a five-year-old that killed this bear, which means a FIVE YEAR OLD was out shooting a rifle. WHAT THE F#$K!?!?!

Listen...I get the whole argument behind hunting. I don't agree with it, but I understand the argument...especially the ones made by hunters who actually eat what they kill, but why in god's name does a five year old need to go hunting? Have you talked to any five-year-old kids lately? Chances are he or she thinks Dora the Explorer is a real person. Is that someone you'd like to have handling a deadly weapon?

GEEK ALERT!!!!!

Yeah, OK, this is pretty cool, but it would be so much cooler if it was C3-PO.

I can't help it...

Being a Yankee fan, this might be a bit of a "people who live in glass houses" scenario, but I can't help myself. This is pretty funny. And to be honest, the RSN surpassed Yankee fans in the whole "asshole fanbase" argument a long time ago.

I'm Back!

Well...I hope

It's been a while since I've posted on here, but I’m going to try and get back on a semi-regular schedule. I miss posting, a lot, but I’ve been so busy lately I’ve really haven’t been able to find the time. What have I been busy doing? Glad you asked. I've been:



1. Being a Dad
This is an easy one to figure out, especially if you look a couple of posts back. The Dude (that’s my current nickname for Owen) has grown quite a bit since the last time I posted and with each passing day he gets even cooler. He can’t crawl yet, or even sit up on his own, but he can hold his head up, which is a step in the right direction and he’s starting to play with stuff too, which is pretty sweet.



2. Watching Movies…in 10 minute intervals
If you have to ask why after reading the first point, I kind of want to hit you with a shovel.



3. Getting Angry about the Yankees, and then calming the F’ Down
Listen. I was as upset about the Yankees losing as any other Yankee fan, but then I calmed down. When I started to think about it rationally, I realized the season turned out MUCH better than it looked like it was going to in April and May. I’ll miss Joe T. but I’m excited about this team’s youth and potential next year. I’m betting Donnie gets the call to manage, which I’m fine with. Hopefully they’ll announce that tomorrow so the front office can hurry up and sign Mo, Jorgie, and A-Rod, and then move on to other needs. I'm excited about seeing Donnie manage this team, and I'm excited about the potential we have with our young pitching (Hughes, Joba, IPK), the first real homegrown pitching talent the Yanks have had since Pettitte.



4. Giving Up on the Giants, and then, cautiously, starting to believe again
Let’s be honest, this Giants team has given us no reason, in the past few seasons, to believe that they were going to rebound from a horrible 2 ½ games to start the season, but they have. They should be 6-2 after this weekend. Who would have thought THAT half way through game 3. Anyway, I’m just going to sit back and enjoy what they give me this year. This team could make the Super Bowl, or they could lose 8 straight. I honestly have no idea. I hope it’s the former, but this team has been so schizo in the past, that I wouldn’t be surprised by anything.



5. Ruining My Marriage (AKA Playing Xbox 360)
After hinting, not so subtlety for the past year or so, my family got me Xbox for my birthday this year (maybe it was my argument that it would also be for Owen, and that video games help improve hand-eye coordination in children). I’ve spent the better part of my rare free time sitting in front of my TV, controller in hand playing a variety of games. Halo mostly. Jesus Christ this thing is addictive. It’s like crack, except I get to keep my teeth, that is until my wife punches me in the mouth because I’m ignoring her.



6. Listening to The Hold Steady’s Boys and Girls in America
I am SO behind the curve when it comes to pretty much everything cool, and this is no exception, but damn this album is awesome. It’s so good it’s almost hypnotic. In a world where I’m slowly becoming more and more square, listening to this album makes me feel like I’m slowly reclaiming a little hip-ness, not that I had much to begin with, but you know what I mean. Anyway, nothing clever to add, I just really like listening to this album.



7. Falling in Love With "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
My favorite show on TV right now, and, quite possibly, the funniest. Words can't do it justice. So here's a brief clip:



And trust me, it's much funnier than that. It's on Thursday nights at 10:00 on FX. Watch it.

Quite Possibly The Greatest Movie Scene Ever Filmed

The scene above is from the 1979 film "Zombie" directed by Lucio Fulci. There are two reasons why it's the greatest scene ever filmed:

1. It's A Zombie fighting a Shark. What the hell else do you need?
2. It's real. There wasn't any CGI to create this in 1979 so they dressed up a stunt man like a zombie and made him fight a real shark. HE FOUGHT A REAL SHARK.
   

Robert Shaw is a pussy compared to this guy.

What I've been doing the past few weeks...

"If you play your cards right, little man, you too can have double-chin just like daddy.
Now, back to our nap!"

Wondering about the lack of posts the past couple of weeks? See above for an explanation. That's right Owen William (that's what we named him) decided he didn't want to chill in the womb any more and was born two weeks early. He's doing great and so is momma. His official birth stats:

June 23, 2007
3:17 PM
6 lbs. 11 oz.
19 1/4 inches

The picture above is a pretty good representation of what I've been doing since we brought him home. Actually, that's not entirely true. A lot of that time has been spent changing diapers, which DO smell lousy, contrary to popular belief. I'm not really sure where that whole "Newborn dirty diapers don't smell" thing comes from, because it's horseshit, which is, ironically, kind of what they smell like.

Want to know a some things about the little man?

Likes:
Mom's Boobs
Napping
Peeing on Daddy
Pulling Daddy's Chest hair
Passing Gas

Dislikes:
Taking a Bath
Getting diaper changed

That's about it. There's not much else going on in his life, or ours for that matter...and I couldn't be happier about it.

Rejection

I submitted this for the Lists section of McSweeney's but it was rejected. I still think it's kind of funny so I've decided to share it here:

Interview questions for a presidential candidate, who also happens to be the guy who stole my girlfriend.

By Brian Riley

Where do you stand on the abortion issue?

Do you have a plan to address the rising cost of gasoline?

What is your position regarding America's involvement in the war in Iraq?

Why did you decide to ruin my life?

Seriously…you're running for President. You couldn't find a girl who wasn't already in a relationship?

Does the fact that I'm crying right now make me look like a wimp?

Will you please tell her to call me? I, uh, have some of her stuff over at my place and I want to know if she wants it back. Totally innocent conversation…I swear.

Nearly 47 million Americans are currently without health insurance. Do you have a plan to address this and the growing cost of health care for all US citizens?

A Heartfelt Apology

With the hustle and bustle of modern life, all too frequently we forget to mark the things that are important to us while we're focusing on matters that are ultimately insignificant. Yesterday was one of those days for me, so it is here that I'd like to send out a message to one of the most important people in my life:

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

MR. T!!

"I aint blowin' out no candles fool!
T's so bad, the candles put themselves out."

That's right...yesterday, May 21st, Mr. T turned 55. It seems like only yesterday he was boxing Rocky, busting heads on the A-Team, and creating a delicious Breakfast Cereal. Ah...the good ole' days. Easily the most important person born on May 21st*.

"I aint never heard of no Captain Crunch.
Forget his jibba-jabba cereal and eat mine.
Mr. T guarantees it won't cut the roof of your mouth."

*Oh yeah...happy belated birthday to you too Levy.

Time to revise my rankings?

A couple of weeks ago, inspired by a story of a moose taking down a helicopter, I ranked my top 5 "World's Most Dangerous Animals" (check that post here).

Well, a recent video has come to my attention that's making me rethink my rankings. Not only does this video dispel the myth that turtles are slow (this little guy is booking), but it also proving that turtles can be pure bad ass. If you look at it on paper, a cat should OWN a turtle. But, to steal an over-used sports cliche, that's why they play the games.

Here's a rundown of the two competitors:

CAT Sharp Teeth Sharp Claws Cat-Like Reflexes (actually Cat reflexes would probably be more accurate Cat-Like Agility (Ditto) Can see in the dark Can give you a wicked-bad allergy attack

TURTLE Carries his home around on his back. May mutate into a Teenage Mutant Ninja, but highly unlikely

Looks like a pretty uneven matchup. Cats are the easy favorite. To put it simply, a cat should kick a turtle's ass, barring any kung fu training for the turtle. Well guess what people...this turtle aint having it. Check out the video.

Scene From the Subway

Girl with headphones on:

You could have at least said 'Excuse Me'

Apologetic man:

Oh geez...I'm sor

Girl with headphones on, interrupting him while she turns the other way:

I can't hear you!

My inner commentary:

If you can't hear him, then why do you care if he said anything?

This scene was inspired by an actual event, witnessed by the writer on the subway. Not included in the scene, the aforementioned writer laughing to himself because of the ridiculousness of the situation, and the entire subway staring at him like he was a wacko.

I'm not going to say his name...

out of fear of jinxing it, but a certain Yankee is just playing out of his mind right now. I'm harboring a serious man-crush. This upcoming series is going to be a ton of fun.

Speaking of fun, here's a good way to get the weekend started.

Click on the image to view video.

Oh yeah...I almost forgot. Red Sox Suck.

You're Invading My Space!

This is hella cool. It both freaked me the hell out and made me miss my Grandma at the same time. Turns out, my Grandmother was actually a Space Invader. You'd never know it looking at her, but she was. Fortunately, when she came down from the stars, she was distracted by bowling, whiskey sours, sun bathing, and giving the best hugs ever, so she never got around to conquering our planet**. Take a look and be mesmerized.




**This is a total lie. It reminded me of my Grandma because she had an old Atari at her house, and whenever we used to go visit, my brother, sister, and I would get to play for a little while. It was pretty awesome.

RIP Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — `God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”‘

–by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., from God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater,

Vonnegut is easily one of my favorite writers, and Cat's Cradle may be my favorite book ever PLUS he made a cameo in Rodney Dangerfield's Back to School. Nothing funny to add to this one, I'm just sad to see him go. Luckily, he's written so many books, I still have a ton I haven't read yet. I wasn't so lucky with one of my other favorite writers, Douglas Adams.

A Pattern Seems to Be Developing

As many of you have probably started to notice, the general public is just now starting to realize the sheer awesomeness that is the world of the Ninja, something that was almost completely derailed by one of the worst movies I have ever seen, "Beverly Hills Ninja." (Please don't be mad at me ghost of Chris Farley, I love you, but in retrospect, it's abundantly clear that, by then, you were taking on whatever stupid movie role was offered to you to fuel your insatiable appetite for drugs. A kung-fu movie might not have been a bad choice, but this kung-fu movie most certainly movie was.)

"Coked-out Ninja-CHOP!"

There have been a variety of sources promoting Ninja coolness, or Ninjawareness as I like to call it . Two of the best are the websites Real Ultimate Power and Ask a Ninja, absolute joys for the Ninja-curious. But it may be time for a new top-dog. It now appears that everyone's favorite psycho office worker, Rainn Wilson, AKA Dwight K. Schrute is making his presence felt in the ninja world.

"KI-YAAA!"

This article on CNN.com features an interview with Wilson where he discusses his career and the opportunities that have been opened up to him with the success of "The Office." The most notable portion of the interview features him talking about his future plans, among them an upcoming film called "Bonzai Shadowhands." Here's what he says about it.

I'm writing [it]. It's about a down-and-out alcoholic ninja, a once-great ninja trying to put his life back together. I'm doing that with Jason Reitman who directed "Thank You for Smoking."

Ummm...am I the only person who thinks this is the greatest idea EVER?!?! Dwight...as an alcoholic Ninja?!?! Please god, let this happen soon. This could end up being the most awesome move of all time, righting the cosmic Ninja-karma, after the above mentioned cinema disaster.

Speaking of Awesome...

This has nothing to do with anything written above.

It's just the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Why Ryan Demptser Will Be The No. 1 Pick in My Fantasy Draft

For those of you unfamiliar with fantasy sports, fantasy baseball in particular, there are different strategies in terms of crafting your team for the season. Some people like to make sure they stock their team with powerful hitters, which is why guys like Albert Pujols and Alex Rodriguez go early in drafts. Others prefer players that offer you speed on the base paths, hence early selections of players like Jose Reyes, or Alfonso Soriano. Still others like to get the best player in a weak position, making Chase Utley or Joe Mauer popular picks, and there are people that believe an Ace pitcher is the most valuable, making Johan Santana the player to pick first. Up until today, my philosophy has been a sort of combination of all the options above...but that all changes now. My fantasy draft is on Monday March 26th, and my first pick is going to be Ryan Dempster, the closer for the Chicago Cubs. Why would I choose to use my first pick on a player most fantasy sites don't even rank within the top 200? Because I just read this article. It's as simple as a kick to the head. How do you become the most valuable baseball player in the world? Become a baseball Ninja.

Think about it...Who WOULDN'T want to build their team around a guy training to become a Ninja? At worst, he'll be valuable in a bench-clearing brawl, with the nerve pinches, and throwing stars, and whatnot. At best though, he could become the most deadly (pun intended) pitcher in baseball. He could very well end up saving/winning 162 games. Sure...a curveball is hard to hit, but what if, instead of a curveball, you get a shuriken thrown at you on a 1-2 count? Chances are you'll gladly take the strikeout if it means you can return to the dugout alive. Maybe the umpire isn't giving him the outside corner, and he's about to walk a batter. A quick nunchuck to the ump's head, and he'll start getting those strike calls. Base runner leading off of first, threatening to steal? Like he wouldn't be able to use his ninja stealth to pick him off...please.

The only reason I hesitate predicting a Cy Young award for Dempster is the fact that his sensei is from Vancouver, a town not exactly known to be crawling with Ninjas, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I haven't heard anything about Chris Carpenter practicing his skills with a katana.

With that in mind, I'm predicting a great year for the Cubs. The Central Division could very well be theirs for the taking (though it is the Cubs so you never know). The Cardinals' only chance of competing might be signing Chuck Norris to play Center Field.

Chuck Norris = MVP
Most Violent Player

Riley...You're the Worst Character Ever

"RILEY!"

In honor of the new season of South Park (the first episode was so bad...in such a good way), here's a link to this cool German website I found that lets you create your own South Park character. Knowing South Park's history with German websites, I was pretty lucky it didn't involve any scheiße videos.

Anyway...I, of course, tried to create myself. I think the resemblance is uncanny.

Man I'm good looking.

***UPDATE***
Decided to create my lovely bride as a South Park character too. She's a lot better looking than I am, and so is her South Park equivalent.

"I'm a princess."

The Mantle Has Been Passed

One last post on this, and we'll move on.
A worthy successor has been chosen.

Never Say Goodbye Cap...

Sorry if I'm harping on this folks, but it's a big deal to me.

Stephen Colbert had something to say about it to.




Colbert rules.

Riley Household in Mourning

Captain America is dead...at least that's what CNN.com is reporting here. Most of you will probably realize what a blow this is to me. Now, I haven't actually read the story yet, since I get my comic books on Fridays, but seeing as CNN is reporting on it, as well as the NY Daily News, I'm guessing this isn't a hoax. I'm feeling cold right now...so very cold.

God speed Cap.

Yes, Captain America is punching Hitler.
That's how Bad-Ass he was.

PS - Baby Riley has been renamed yet again. From this point forward, he/she will be know as "Little Cap," in memory of the fallen soldier. Also, all images will be doctored to include an "A" on the forehead, just like Captain America wore, until the baby is born and an "A" can be properly applied by a tattoo needle.

We went with the lowercase "A" since it looks cuter on a baby.

Boris and Natasha Killed in a Fiery Helicopter Crash

"I don't need no stinking squirrel to start some static."

Check out this story from CNN.com about a wild moose taking down the helicopter of some wildlife officials in Alaska. Pretty crazy stuff. I've done some backpacking in the past, and I remember our guide telling us that wild animals shouldn't be approached, but you'd think you'd be safe in a helicopter. I mean we were always careful not to attract bears, but Bullwinkle? Come on...who of you out there thought a moose had that type of game. Not I good citizens, not I. Well I for one, am willing to admit it when I make a mistake. I'm reworking my "World's Most Dangerous Animals" list. It's a completely arbitrary ranking system, devised entirely by me. I'll try to give a brief explanation for each of the Top-Five on the list.




1. Shark
Specifically the Great White. Sure, they haven't taken down any aircraft, YET, but look at this freaking thing. And "Jaws" is one of the coolest movies ever. Plus, these are my rankings so screw you. Sharks are No. 1.











2. Moose
As mentioned above, they have the ability to take down a helicopter, which means they own both the land and the air. If they learn how to sink a boat, we may have a new contender for the No. 1 spot, though their lack of ominous rows of jagged teeth do leave something to be desired.







3. Man
Makes you think, doesn't it?











4. The Monkeys at those Drive-Thru Safaris
Have you ever seen them go at a car at one of those things? They'll rip it to shreds. LOOK OUT!!!






5. Huh? We're still doing this? Ok...um Pandas I guess
I don't know. I stopped paying attention a while ago. What was the point of all of this again?