You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid!

Just a quick peek at the Christmas card we'll be sending out to friends and family.

Happy Holidays!

Lizard King of the Jews

This story on CNN.com about a Komodo dragon named Flora that's about to give birth to a litter (is that the right word?) of baby Komodos while still being a virgin is weird enough, though not unprecedented (see Jurassic Park). What does make it freaky is that the baby dragons are expected to be born on Christmas Day. Has Jesus decided to come back to earth in the form of a lizard? Is this the beginning of the rapture? Somewhere out there, is there another virgin lizard giving birth to the lizard Antichrist. Be warned people. Christmas this year may mark the beginning of the end. Look to the skies...if the Four Horsemen appear riding giant flaming lizards, you'll know I was right.
If anything at least the new savior will be kick ass. Combine the power of Jesus with the power of a giant lizard. Man...he would OWN the competition.

Brian the Suburban Cowboy

This is NOT as easy as it looks, and it's a whole lot more painful.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

A day early, but I'll be busy celebrating tomorrow. Happy Birthday Sweets. I love you!

A-Clutch!

Take THAT Haters!

They Say Nothing is More Beautiful than a Pregnant Woman

Well scratch THAT theory.
I don't know anything about this so-called "glow" that pregnant woman get, but if by "glow" they mean "ability to make me throw up in my mouth," than Britney is glowing like a MoFo.

The Break-Up: Scariest Movie of the Year

So this commentary is a little late, but it has to be posted, if only to save a few relationships. My wife and I saw this movie, in most part, because we both love Vince Vaughn. I figured I could handle a little romantic comedy cheesiness for the comedic gold that VV brings to the screen. Well watch out fellas, cause Wedding Crashers this aint.
While Vince does have a few worthwhile moments, this movie is NOT a comedy. It's not even a romantic comedy. It was a depressing look at the collapse of a relationship that was depicted as almost entirely the man's fault. That's fine. Oftentimes one person holds the lion's share of the blame for a relationship's demise. In this movie, Vince Vaughn's character caused the relationship to fail because he didn't make a big enough effort. Also fine. The problem, and potential killer for all men out there, is that his lack of effort was presented to the audience basically by having him come home and open a beer and watch the game or play Playstation.
As soon as I thought this I thought "Oh shit." That's basically every day of my life. I do tons of other things around the house, but those few acts are brought into focus in the move, and I spent the rest of the time in the theater trying to figure out how to defend myself when the credits rolled. All I could come up with was "Please don't divorce me."
So be warned men...this is not a raucous Vince Vaughn comedy, and you will be grilled on the car ride home.
Avoid this film if at all possible, your relationship may depend on it.

Correction: My New NEW Hero

Jon Stewart is my real hero.
Well said sir.

My New Hero

The headline could use a little work though.


Update:
Here's video of the catch. GO YANKS!!!

I Heart William Shatner

This speaks for itself.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Sunday night saw the series finale of one of my favorite shows, West Wing, and although the show suffered a bit when creator Aaron Sorkin left, this season really rebounded for a satisfying conclusion to the show. I was sad to see it go.

Being the pop culture fanatic that I am, I've been reading about the new shows that are coming out next year, and tops on everyone's list is Sorkin's television encore, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, which is a behind the scenes look at an SNL type show. Almost everything I've read about it has been overly positive, with some people already pronouncing it their favorite new show. During the West Wing finale they had a quick preview of it (check it out here). There was way much too little content to make any judgment about it, but it got me even more excited. (Great cast shaping up by the way...Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peet, Timothy Busfield, D.L. Hughley, Nate Corddry, and the return of Matthew Perry to NBC. And for those of you afraid of Matthew Perry in a more dramatic role, don't be. He was a guest on a bunch of West Wing episodes, and he was really good. Not a trace of Chandler Bing.)

Then yesterday, NBC announced it's fall lineup, and it's placed the show on Thursdays after My Name is Earl and the Office, two of my three favorite shows on TV right now (the other being Scrubs), pretty much guaranteeing I would be watching it every week. I read yet another review about the pilot script and decided to hunt it down myself, which was actually easy thanks to google. (You can read the script here.) It's really freaking good. Really smart and funny. Classic Sorkin, and if you liked West Wing, you'll like this. I'm even more excited now. It's around 60 pages or so, but it's a quick read. I highly recommend it.

Looks like I'll be spending my Thursdays at home this fall.

EDIT 6/2/06
NBC recently announced that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip will be airing on Monday's at 10:00, following ABC's announcement that they were moving Grey's Anatomy to the 9:00 Thursday slot. Smart move. No matter how good this show will be, it would more than likely be killed in that slot against Grey's and CSI. Guess I'll be watching this on Mondays now, instead of TV's funniest show, CSI: Miami.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

Brian and Nicole in Puerto Rico
As seen through the eyes of a man with only one contact lens.

Because of this freaky eye condition I have, I need to wear hard contact lenses to correct my vision. Unfortunately, hard contacts are not only expensive, but fragile. I've had them about a year, and frankly, I've been lucky they've lasted this long. If I had to, I would have bet that I'd have lost one down the drain or have one pop out on the subway a long time ago. Well today my luck ran out. The contact for my left eye slid off my finger while I was putting it in this morning, and in an attempt to find it, I stepped on it and crushed it. I'm forced now to walk around with one contact in. It's tons of fun...let me tell you. I hope my Doctor can get a replacement before I get so dizzy I start throwing up.

YANKEES HOME OPENER!!

I love this time of year. Nothing like opening day in the Bronx...too bad I'll be in an office in Manhattan instead of at the Stadium, or at least on my couch watching the game. For now, I'll have to try to stretch a late lunch so I can catch some of the game, and then rely on web updates until I get home and watch it on Tivo. Going to be weird seeing Johnny in pinstripes, but I think it will end up being a good thing. Lets hope this brief homestand goes better than the West Coast road trip.

Speaking of the Yankees, there's a really great way to show your Yankee love and support a great cause at the same time. Check it out here and support Yankee Universe and Memorial Sloan-Kettering's Cancer Center.

Proof that Boston really IS the home of all that is evil

Boston: The Evil-est Place on Earth
Home of the Red Sox and Boba Fett

This picture was taken while visiting my brother-in-law this past weekend. Boba Fett tried to shoot me right afterwards, in a case of mistaken identity. Apparently I look a lot like Han Solo. Who knew? I say tried to shoot me. I ended up kicking his ass.

Watch out Kanye

Devastatin' Dave is in tha HOUSE!

ZIP ZAP RAP!

Back from Puerto Rico and Opening Day

I toyed with the idea of posting an image of A-Rod's Grand Slam, but figured we'd see that more often than we'd see Nic and I at the beach, so decided to post a picture from our Puerto Rican vacation instead.
We're back after a quick trip to the Caribbean. The trip was way too short, but we had a blast. Caught some rays, saw some sights, drank some rum—a great trip all around. The only thing that made our return bearable was opening day, which went off with a bang. Nothing like a 15-2 shellacking to start the season. I'm very excited about the Yanks' offense. Now if they can just keep Randy and Moose healthy, I'll be feeling good through October.

Oh yeah...here's a picture of me after one too many rum punches.





And screw it, here's A-Rod. GO YANKS!!

The Day Ben Harper Broke My Heart

Ben Harper's newest album, Both Sides of the Gun, hit stores on Tuesday, and I finally got around to picking it up today. I'm a huge Ben Harper fan. My first dance with my beautiful bride on our wedding day was to Beloved One. I was very excited about the new album. So excited that I started listening to it at work today. I was really enjoying it too until I got to track 7 on Disc 2, a song called Get it Like You Like It. One verse. Five simple lines. 28 words, and the entire album is ruined for me.

In 1918 the great bambino
Kicked a piano into Willis pond
But Johnny Damon swung a bat
Grand slam that was that
An 86 year curse is gone

Say it aint so Ben...

The Must See Film of 2006!

The teaser trailer is finally here!!!!!
This could very well be the funniest film of 2006.

"Yes, I'm glad those snakes died and I hope they burn in HELL!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

St. Patrick's Day means different things to a lot of people. Some people view it as a religous holiday. You non-Irish folks can finally admit what you've all been thinking all year long...that you wish you were Irish. People can wear the tackiest green clothing in the world and not look out of place and you can drink to excess and have some fun, regardless of your heritage.

While I love all those aspects of the holiday, those have always been secondary since St. Patrick's day is also my little brother's birthday. He's coincidentally named Patrick. Too bad he wasn't born in December. Kwanzaa Riley would have been a cool name.

So Happy Birthday Pat. I love you Bro!

The Bri-Pod

Some inspiring songs, chosen at random by my I-Pod, while I was on the way to work this morning.

Worldwide Suicide - Pearl Jam (The first single from their self-titled album that comes out in May)
Angry and Political and surprisingly catchy. If the rest of the album is as good as this song, I'm going to be quite pleased.

E-Pro - Beck (Guero)
Whenever I hear this song, I wish I was in the middle of a car chase.

Big Balls - AC/DC (Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap)
Wait a minute...this song isn't really about banquets, is it?

Such a Night - Elvis Presley (Elvis is Back!)
Elvis may very well be the Baddest M.F. ever.

Moby Dick - Led Zeppelin (Led Zeppelin II)
Drums are so cool.

One Mint Julep - Ray Charles (Anthology)
Just a little bit of soul now.

Sorry Yankees but I now have a new favorite baseball team

This may be the world's greatest invention.

The Donut Burger, which is a hamburger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon, all between a "bun" made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed donut, is being offered exclusively by The Gateway Grizzlies a minor league team from Illinois. It is being billed as "Baseball's Best Burger." I'd have a hard time arguing with that. ESPN.com has some details here.

My Hero

Wrestling + Jack Black = Absolute Bliss

Goodbye Kirby

Love him (and there are a lot who do), or hate him (those who do are not without reason), Kirby gave Mattingly the nickname Donnie Baseball, and for that he gets Props.

We have so much to learn from these wise monkeys

Just imagine how much violence could have been avoided if George W. and Sadam could have solved this whole thing with a some heavy petting. Check the hippie chimps.

100% Kick ASS!

Hell YEAH!
Word to the motherland.

Of course you know Levy, this means war!

Thanks for the plug Levy...you're a sweet-heart.

Unfortunately, all of my really good pictures of you were taken pre-digital camera, so this will have to do for now. But lucky for you I have a scanner at home, and I am quite adept at Photoshoping.

Prepare to get served.

What really bothers me about cell phones

It isn't the ringing in restaurants, or the fact that I have an even harder time finding excuses not to answer my phone or call people back, or that they've spawned the newest Stephen King novel, Cell, where cell phones basically turn people in to zombies (no I'm not kidding), it's that they've basically made the pay phone obsolete, and in turn, destroyed the need for collect calls.

On the surface, that might seem insignificant, but once you think about it, you'll realize what that really means, which is no more "10-10-220" and no more "10-10-220" commercials. It's been a while since these have aired, and most people have forgotten them, but where else on earth can we find the sublime perfection that is the pairing of Hulk Hogan and Alf. Those two alone should have been able to keep the collect calling industry afloat. If they couldn't do it, no one could. That, my friends, is what you call a tragedy.

That whole kite in a lighting storm thing is starting to make more sense...

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
- Benjamin Franklin


"There's a fine line between genius and drunkenness."
- Me

Gaze upon the majesty that is my family crest

How could you ever doubt the family Riley is not badass. There's a severed hand in the middle of our crest...A SEVERED HAND.

There is a story behind it. Here's the short version, at least as it's been told to me.

At some point in Ireland's history there was a boat race to determine ownership/rule of Irish land. The winner would be the first to touch land, and they would be given their choice of the countryside. During the race, one of the two competitors realized they were falling behind. Rather than lose the race, the competitor, a Riley, cut off his own hand and threw it to shore, allowing him to touch land first. He was declared the winner, and the rest is history.

Who knows if the story is accurate, or if my version is even the correct telling, but it's a pretty cool nonetheless.

See you in a month hon...

Guess what I'm picking up today...

That should hold me over until opening day. Too bad I have to throw the box out. Damn you Ortiz!!!

Overheard in the office

"No self-respecting terrorist would hijack a plane from New Jersey"
-The annoying girl who sits in the cube across from me, on the phone with a friend who was nervous about flying.

PHEW!
Guess I'll be flying out of Newark from now on.

Why I'll never be a hipster

Although I do like being ironic, I'll never pull off the whole hipster thing because I don't wear glasses, and everyone knows to truly be a hipster, you need the hipster glasses. My vision does suck by the way, just not in a way glasses can fix.

I do read comics, which can be considered hipster-ish I guess, but I do it because I think superheroes are cool, not to be clever, so I guess that just makes me a dork.

And now we do the dance of joy....

Nuff said

Doing Battle With Shrubbery

It has been brought to my attention that I haven't featured my wife in this space at all, so here's an image of her after she defeated the bush in front of our house during the blizzard of '06. I'm not in the picture because I passed out after having to shovel 2 feet of snow from our driveway. Some people would wonder why someone would decide to start gardening during a blizzard, but she felt like gardening and once she gets something in her head, you can't tell her otherwise.
Well done hon...the landscaping looks great.

Why I'm a Dork

How cool does THIS look?!?!

CIVIL WAR #1

Written by Mark Millar, pencils and wraparound cover by Steve McNiven, variant cover by Michael Turner.

The landscape of the Marvel U is changing and it's time to decide: whose side are you on? A conflict has been brewing in the Marvel Universe for over a year, threatening to pit friend against friend, brother against brother--and all it will take is a single misstep to cost thousands their lives and ignite the fuse! As the war claims its first victims, no one is safe as teams, friendships, and families begin to fall apart. Civil War, a Marvel Comics event in seven parts, stars Spider-Man, the New Avengers, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men and the entirety of the Marvel pantheon! Civil War -- the cross-over that rewrites the rules -- begins here in this double-sized first issue!

48 pages, $3.99, in stores on May 3.

I can't wait for May 3rd.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Pitchers & Catcher report today.

The darkness is lifting, and my life has meaning again.

Go Yankees!

Why Jewish Food Scares Me

The stuff on the left, I like. Who can argue with a bottle of Vodka frozen inside a block of ice. The stuff on the right...not so much. That's Schmaltz.

Here's the definition from Wikipedia:

Schmaltz is rendered chicken or goose fat used for frying or spreading on bread. If rendered from a kosher slaughtered chicken or goose, it is kosher and hence particularly popular in Jewish cuisine.
It is gross.

(I added that last part).

How I Spent My Sunday

I love being a home owner. Shoveling is the coolest!

The music may be getting too loud.

The time period between the beginning of 5th grade and the end of 6th grade was a treacherous one for me, and anyone in my school that showed any interest in popular music. If you didn't stay on your toes you could find yourself oblivious to the changing tastes of the crowd and end up admitting that you liked a band that was no longer cool, thus affecting your social status. I remember the band Poison flip-flopping multiple times between cool, lame, and cool again in practically successive weeks. If I remember correctly, they were first cool because they had a hit record, then they were uncool (even "gay") because they wore makeup. What type of band wears makeup? (We didn’t really get that whole “glam” vibe.) Then they were cool again because their most recent record had a cover that was banned for being vulgar. It could be dizzying keeping up with everything. Most of the time the decisions were based on practically nothing. Then again, I went to a school that randomly selected people to hate. I remember one time the newest target was picked for having an electric guitar. When in the history of man has owning an electric guitar been considered uncool? I guess the bottom line was few bands could stand up to the fickle tastes of snotty 11-year olds.

You would think that things would change as people got older, and in some ways they did as we all found more reasons to like or dislike people, whether it be clothing, degrees of sluttiness, the ability to solve for pi, or drive after 9:00. The social implications of music fandom weren’t as great, but certain assumptions would always be made depending on the music you listened to. Pearl Jam and Nirvana were middle of the road, over enthusiasm for heavy metal, goth, or Morrissey made you a weirdo, and the same for Phish or The Dead made you a poser hippy, although that was much more acceptable. If you wanted to be really cool, you would find whatever rap music the handful of black kids in our high school were listening to, and listen to that.

At college, music didn’t make as much of a difference unless you were trekking somewhere for a show. Basically as long as it didn’t interfere with getting wasted or playing Sega, and you could sing along with it while you were drunk, then it was ok. Unless it was a really nice day out, then you had to play Bob Marley out your window. That was the rule.

I'm now on the cusp of my 30th birthday and I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of worrying about my taste in music and defending what others think is lame. Worrying about stupid crap like that is exhausting and I have better things to do. You know what...I kind of like John Mayer. His music can be sappy, and so many teenage girls find him dreamy that they scream so loud you can’t actually hear him singing during his concerts, but he plays a decent guitar, his music is easy to listen to, and one of his songs reminds me of why I love my wife. The Barenaked Ladies may be uncool but listening to them reminds me of upstate New York, and their concert at my school was one the best times I’ve ever had at a show, sober or not. I don’t care about the genius of any of these new wave of bands that have come to save rock. Some of them I like, some of them I don’t care for, and a lot of them sound alike.

There's a line in the movie High Fidelity that goes, and I'm paraphrasing here, "It's not who you like, it's what you like." I guess, at this point of my life, I'm saying I don't care what people think about what I like. Some of what I enjoy is "cool" some is "lame" but I've lost interest in deciding which is which. I'd rather play Fantasy Baseball.

Courtesy in the Office Bathroom

Just a quick request for all those men out there that use the office restroom for twosies. If you work in an office with more than two stalls, and someone is already in there when you go to do your business, allow for the buffer stall if possible. Privacy in this situation is impossible, but we can all pretend, can't we?